When the Crow flies Straight pt. 2

When the Crow Flies Straight

By: John Sills

When someone replays their life, they immerse themselves in the depths of their mind.

They replay all the dust-covered memories. They review good times and bad.

In my life, I have never needed or wanted for glory and riches.

I only wanted just enough to get by. I wanted friends to chill and share memories.

I wanted a love to keep me warm during the cold winters of life.

Sometimes the ones we love or love us cannot be in our lives for various reasons.

We feel a sense of loss, and detachment when they leave. Memories become painful and unbearable.

We could try to replace the void within us with work, or materialistic things. However, in the end all we are doing is covering wounds with a dressing hoping that they will fade away.

In time, the heart will bear scars of many past hurts and wounds until we force ourselves to take a break from everything and allow ourselves to heal completely. Although when we do this the memories we buried and locked away resurface. They boil and bubble under the skin forcing us to settle and come to terms with them. Perhaps through writing this that is what I am doing.

I remember when my Uncle passed away very clearly and how I felt. I was very close to him and in the early years of my childhood, there were so many fond memories. I would visit on the weekends and watch movies, hang out. He taught me how to shoot a gun, and the respect and caution it takes to do so. When we saw him the night before he died, I could barely look at him.

He looked so different from how I remembered hooked up to machines keeping him alive; the sparkle of life had gone from his eyes. I wanted to remember him in a better way that is why I redirected my memories of his death to how I remember him as a child.

I remember well when a good friend of mine disappeared from my life. It was over a conflict that I did not start. However, at the end we both found ourselves on opposite sides of the conflict.

Years later, I wanted to reconcile and mend a friendship that meant a lot to me. However, time can turn memories bitter. I try to remember him when we were the closest, he would offer wisdom, and I offered friendship and a listening ear. He was like my older brother even though we came from two different families. I almost cried the day he told me he was going to remarry. I felt this was something he truly deserved and wanted to rejoice in his happiness.

This is how I remember him, and I still hope to talk to him again. I hope in time a new friendship will arise.

There are two relationships in my life that stand above the rest. In some ways, they were the very best. In other ways, they were the worst.

There were mistakes made on both sides. However, the ones I remember most were my own.

It was strange watching my intentions and desires become something different. I remember well what I wanted and how I felt about both of them. Yet whether my words did not come out right, or I was just oblivious to how I was making them feel. I still hurt them when my only intention was to cherish and enjoy being with them.

How love and caring can change and deform in a single moment I will never understand.

One other relationship stands out from my distant past although this one mended and healed. In addition, a new friendship came from it, which I am most thankful for that.

I have described three different types of loss. Each one caused by different reasons.

They all play a major role in my life today. I handle and deal with them differently.

I wonder sometimes if loss and pain are things that happen due to life. Maybe things happen for a reason more personal to us in the end life leads to death, and death to life anew.

We may not see the new life, or the new beginning. However, everything will return in its changed form. How we return, and how we begin something new is truly up to us.