When the crow flies straight part 4
By John Sills
“Feeling deeply the difference between oneself and others, bearing ill will and falling out with people~~these things come from a heart that lacks compassion. If one wraps up everything with a heart of compassion, there will be no coming into conflict with people.”
These are words from a book called Hagakure. A book I have studied for a very long time.
In recent days, I have found myself contemplating a lot. My life, my mistakes, my triumphs all I have reviewed.
I have thought about those I once cared about, those who are very close to me now.
I have also had gut feelings and impressions regarding future circumstances.
I struggled with whether it was truth or illusion, until a friend made me realize the truth.
It does not matter whether it is true or a lie makes no difference. What does is how I choose to act.
If I wish and believe every day the very best for everyone, I may not change the world.
What I do change is myself, and how I act and feel.
This alone speaks volumes to those who can see its truth.
This series of writings began from a lyric to a song.
I heard it during a difficult time in my life. Many of you who know me, know what I am talking about.
Those of you that don’t here is a summary: Since I have been back to Florida, I have had 3 relationships and 2 flings. The two flings were mistakes I should never have done. The 3 relationships have caused me to drastically rethink my life.
I’ve reviewed everything from the time I was a boy, till now.
I have remembered all the hurt and damage done to me, the hurt and damage that I have caused.
I’ve relived it all over the past several months.
I remembered when I let the love and care I felt for someone remain hidden.
I remembered when I was selfish and hurt others because of my own insecurities and turmoil.
I have dragged things out longer than I should have.
I allow memories of things past to haunt me. Even watching a movie, or a certain song will remind me of my mistakes and short comings.
It is as if my moral compass is still intact but I have no map no direction.
The sound advice many have given is true and good. However my heart and mind have had a difficult time applying it.
In short I have relived all of my memories to understand why a good gentleman could cause so much hurt to others.
Especially with his desire to simply, love and cherish people.
Thinking back two of my greatest relationships were also two of my biggest failures.
The crow flies straight. His purpose is to seek new direction from the memories of his past.
Every day he ask forgiveness, every day he tries to think positively and wishes those he has wronged the very best.
Rock music becomes his soundtrack, Menthol cigarettes keep him calm, writing helps to end the noise in his head.
Many have called me intelligent, smart, some even find me handsome and attractive.
Sadly all of this is for nothing if I don’t believe it myself. There are days I feel such a fool.
There are days I miss the people from my life so much. There are days when my mind and heart seem to be absent of everything that is me.
Some days my regret is overwhelming. Mentally I remind myself of how I hurt Jen and Vashti.
Some days I think I seek their forgiveness because it is difficult to forgive myself.
Then other days I remind myself of what I do know.
Love is a powerful magick.
Honor and Respect still mean everything.
What we think about most is what we bring into our lives.
Forgiveness, Salvation, Redemption is never out of reach.
What we send out into the world we get back.
All of us connected, though sometimes we can barely see it
There are no mistakes only lessons of life.
Positive and Negative can be found in us all.
Nice people finish last
Religion exists in the hearts and minds of people.
We are addicted to our emotions more so than anything else.
There are always different points of view. Energy exists everywhere.
When the crow flies straight, the whirlwind of realization follows.
This is the result when a man rethinks his life and goes deep.
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