Rise of the Pheonix

Rise of the Phoenix

By: John Sills

Like the pheonix of ancient times

I arise from the ashes in my mind

Darkness took me out of sunlight

Where I could rest beneath the twilight

I mourned and weeped to ease my pain

Tears became droplets of rain

Then I stared into the sky

By the moon I was mesmerized

It soothed my scarred soul

It began to make me whole

A cascade of thoughts went through me

Bringing me back from the shadows decree

Raging fire and Draconic energy

Restored and Infused my body

Focus as sharp as a blade

Doubt and sorrow quickly fade

All at once I realize

The journey and the prize

Beyond the desert of Sorrow

Lies My grove ready to grow

I am a child of the verse

Blessings born from the curse

A priest, a gentleman , a Mystic

To share love and riddles cryptic

When the Crow flies Straight Final Flight

When The Crow flies Straight

When a man goes deep into his mind.

And rethinks his life. Something is going to manifest.

For the past year I've replayed my life over and over again. From every angle, every detail.

I couldn't tell you why it began only that at the time I knew it had to be done.

I thought of everything about my relationships hard times, and good times and now as the year is almost over the answers I sought for have finally been given to me.

They say the law of attraction is real and shall bring you anything you desire if you know how to focus your mind. They never tell you that upon the journey of learning this principle, your own mind will reshape and reform. Many of the problems I had in relationships began with my thoughts which then lead to actions.

And even though it was clearly not what I wanted the same thing would keep replaying over and over again. Then I asked myself “How do I change this?”

This one question made all the difference. Soon after I was answering all my how questions easily and realizing excactly when and where my emotions went chaotic. From this I was able to tell when I need to simmer myself down. And when to savor my emotions. I learned how to give myself more good days than bad. And how to always see the silver lining and the rainbow on the other side.

Yet still the soothing aspect of menthol cigarettes and hard music still remained.

The love of tattoos and the twinge of pain.

I have since began a relationship that may have been started too early. But I also realized I was communicating better than I did in the past. I was accepting responsibillity for my actions as well as realizing when I fucked up far quicker than before.

We are all just human, searching for answers and universal truth.

Yet we are also observers how can we understand the mind of God or the universe when our focus is so deeply fixed on our own lives?

Out of all of this there is some things I have learned:

1: Some life lessons that are the hardest to learn are also the most vital

2: Love will trump hate every single time

3: Honor, Glory, Respect, Duty, Compassion, Courage, Loyalty, Benevolence Still mean something precious in this world.

4: It is one thing to gain control over your perceptions, Quite another to gain control of your desires. And when you do, you will find the universe a lot different than you realize.

5: In any given moment we can only be expected to act in accordance with our present thoughts and emotions and the knowledge we have. So Either you use this as an excuse to horribly screw up time and time again, or you go deep in your self, receive the knowledge, know yourself well enough to be able to decide and simmer down in a fraction of a second.

6: Whatever you do, Live life as it was meant to be lived, find Love and life in every breath you take every cup of tea, for when you look at it. All of us are already dying slowly.

7: The universe, Life, the world is a Poem, and each of us can contribute a verse.

So I ask you What will your Verse be?

8: Thoughts become things, what we focus our minds on is what we bring more into our lives. If you want to focus on the negative and bad feelings guess what your going to get, if you focus on good friend, conversations, and the beauty that is life. Are you ready to watch the world transform into a beautiful masterpiece before your eyes?

When the Crow flies Straight pt 3

When the crow flies straight part 4

By John Sills

“Feeling deeply the difference between oneself and others, bearing ill will and falling out with people~~these things come from a heart that lacks compassion. If one wraps up everything with a heart of compassion, there will be no coming into conflict with people.”

These are words from a book called Hagakure. A book I have studied for a very long time.

In recent days, I have found myself contemplating a lot. My life, my mistakes, my triumphs all I have reviewed.

I have thought about those I once cared about, those who are very close to me now.

I have also had gut feelings and impressions regarding future circumstances.

I struggled with whether it was truth or illusion, until a friend made me realize the truth.

It does not matter whether it is true or a lie makes no difference. What does is how I choose to act.

If I wish and believe every day the very best for everyone, I may not change the world.

What I do change is myself, and how I act and feel.

This alone speaks volumes to those who can see its truth.

This series of writings began from a lyric to a song.

I heard it during a difficult time in my life. Many of you who know me, know what I am talking about.

Those of you that don’t here is a summary: Since I have been back to Florida, I have had 3 relationships and 2 flings. The two flings were mistakes I should never have done. The 3 relationships have caused me to drastically rethink my life.

I’ve reviewed everything from the time I was a boy, till now.

I have remembered all the hurt and damage done to me, the hurt and damage that I have caused.

I’ve relived it all over the past several months.

I remembered when I let the love and care I felt for someone remain hidden.

I remembered when I was selfish and hurt others because of my own insecurities and turmoil.

I have dragged things out longer than I should have.

I allow memories of things past to haunt me. Even watching a movie, or a certain song will remind me of my mistakes and short comings.

It is as if my moral compass is still intact but I have no map no direction.

The sound advice many have given is true and good. However my heart and mind have had a difficult time applying it.

In short I have relived all of my memories to understand why a good gentleman could cause so much hurt to others.

Especially with his desire to simply, love and cherish people.

Thinking back two of my greatest relationships were also two of my biggest failures.

The crow flies straight. His purpose is to seek new direction from the memories of his past.

Every day he ask forgiveness, every day he tries to think positively and wishes those he has wronged the very best.

Rock music becomes his soundtrack, Menthol cigarettes keep him calm, writing helps to end the noise in his head.

Many have called me intelligent, smart, some even find me handsome and attractive.

Sadly all of this is for nothing if I don’t believe it myself. There are days I feel such a fool.

There are days I miss the people from my life so much. There are days when my mind and heart seem to be absent of everything that is me.

Some days my regret is overwhelming. Mentally I remind myself of how I hurt Jen and Vashti.

Some days I think I seek their forgiveness because it is difficult to forgive myself.

Then other days I remind myself of what I do know.

Love is a powerful magick.

Honor and Respect still mean everything.

What we think about most is what we bring into our lives.

Forgiveness, Salvation, Redemption is never out of reach.

What we send out into the world we get back.

All of us connected, though sometimes we can barely see it

There are no mistakes only lessons of life.

Positive and Negative can be found in us all.

Nice people finish last

Religion exists in the hearts and minds of people.

We are addicted to our emotions more so than anything else.

There are always different points of view. Energy exists everywhere.

When the crow flies straight, the whirlwind of realization follows.

This is the result when a man rethinks his life and goes deep.

When the Crow flies Straight pt. 2

When the Crow Flies Straight

By: John Sills

When someone replays their life, they immerse themselves in the depths of their mind.

They replay all the dust-covered memories. They review good times and bad.

In my life, I have never needed or wanted for glory and riches.

I only wanted just enough to get by. I wanted friends to chill and share memories.

I wanted a love to keep me warm during the cold winters of life.

Sometimes the ones we love or love us cannot be in our lives for various reasons.

We feel a sense of loss, and detachment when they leave. Memories become painful and unbearable.

We could try to replace the void within us with work, or materialistic things. However, in the end all we are doing is covering wounds with a dressing hoping that they will fade away.

In time, the heart will bear scars of many past hurts and wounds until we force ourselves to take a break from everything and allow ourselves to heal completely. Although when we do this the memories we buried and locked away resurface. They boil and bubble under the skin forcing us to settle and come to terms with them. Perhaps through writing this that is what I am doing.

I remember when my Uncle passed away very clearly and how I felt. I was very close to him and in the early years of my childhood, there were so many fond memories. I would visit on the weekends and watch movies, hang out. He taught me how to shoot a gun, and the respect and caution it takes to do so. When we saw him the night before he died, I could barely look at him.

He looked so different from how I remembered hooked up to machines keeping him alive; the sparkle of life had gone from his eyes. I wanted to remember him in a better way that is why I redirected my memories of his death to how I remember him as a child.

I remember well when a good friend of mine disappeared from my life. It was over a conflict that I did not start. However, at the end we both found ourselves on opposite sides of the conflict.

Years later, I wanted to reconcile and mend a friendship that meant a lot to me. However, time can turn memories bitter. I try to remember him when we were the closest, he would offer wisdom, and I offered friendship and a listening ear. He was like my older brother even though we came from two different families. I almost cried the day he told me he was going to remarry. I felt this was something he truly deserved and wanted to rejoice in his happiness.

This is how I remember him, and I still hope to talk to him again. I hope in time a new friendship will arise.

There are two relationships in my life that stand above the rest. In some ways, they were the very best. In other ways, they were the worst.

There were mistakes made on both sides. However, the ones I remember most were my own.

It was strange watching my intentions and desires become something different. I remember well what I wanted and how I felt about both of them. Yet whether my words did not come out right, or I was just oblivious to how I was making them feel. I still hurt them when my only intention was to cherish and enjoy being with them.

How love and caring can change and deform in a single moment I will never understand.

One other relationship stands out from my distant past although this one mended and healed. In addition, a new friendship came from it, which I am most thankful for that.

I have described three different types of loss. Each one caused by different reasons.

They all play a major role in my life today. I handle and deal with them differently.

I wonder sometimes if loss and pain are things that happen due to life. Maybe things happen for a reason more personal to us in the end life leads to death, and death to life anew.

We may not see the new life, or the new beginning. However, everything will return in its changed form. How we return, and how we begin something new is truly up to us.

When the Crow flies Straight

By: John Sills

When someone rethinks their life, they go deep.

All of his focus is on the movie of his life. When a crow or any bird flies straight, their focus is on a single point Flying. However, they also are aware of many other details of flying.

I sit and think of right and wrong, good and evil although my opinions are somewhat biased.

I’ve always believed in universal balance, that right actions done for wrong reasons could still be wrong, that sometimes in order to perform true good or evil, one must first do a little of the opposite.

Here recently I have remembered a quote from a movie I put no stock in religion, by religion I have seen sins committed calling it the will of god. True religion is in the mind, and in the heart. It is within Right action and goodness of self. By what we choose to do, each day will make us a good person or not.

There are many lessons I should know. Wisdom I should have, yet I find myself making the same mistakes again.

I wonder if the hardest lessons for us to learn are potentially the ones that we learn the best and understand completely.

Strangely enough, most of my mistakes stem from romantic life. From a need for affection, love spoiled over time, insecurities about me. All these reasons seem to appear in many areas of my life, either subtly or very direct. It has leaded me to be emotionally hurt, emotionally hurt others.

Though my intention was to love, and allow myself to feel loved, things seem to change over time. I have been jealous, resentful, heartbroken, dissatisfied, uncaring, cold, heartless, and many other different qualities.

During the worst of these times, or after the dust from the emotional battle settled. I felt hollow as I do now. My mind still thinks, my heart still feels but it is almost a numb sensation.

For a while this worried me, I felt that something was dying in me, or that my heart was running cold. Then I realized it is a defensive thing. When I feel or when I think it is with such intensity that sometimes being numb is the only way to recover.

Underneath it all, I know I am a good person. I feel regret for the mistakes I made, I ask forgiveness from the universe for those I have hurt or wronged in any way.

Sometimes in the moment, it is difficult to allow such forgiveness, when my sins are all in front of me.

Because of this, I do my best to be honest always, I do not use my gift of words to enslave or ensnare a heart. I bow my head to many I meet, I try to offer respect, compassion and goodness to all those I meet. But as a crow will sometimes lose its way, forget to fly for a single moment, or have to mend a broken wing, so to must I accept that sometimes I will lose my way, or forget my intentions for a single moment, or mend a broken heart along the way.

Seasons of Time/ Ramblings of a Madman

Seasons of time

By: John Sills

Seasons change from Flowers of springs

Winds of Summer

Leaves of Autumn and

Snow of winter.

Fragments of time we never cling to understanding.

Seasons play both rapture and oblivion on my senses.

Listen to the Melancholy symphony so beautiful.

In the seasons of my life I have regret. I have sorrow

but there is is also joy, love, beauty, and valor.

For so long I felt that as I sat by and watched the world and the seasons change

That this would cause my life to lessened, worth only disdain

I felt regret for not following along suit or living outside societies definition of normality.

Now a voice whispers that as I saw, as I watched, I learned, I understood.

I became a student of something greater than society, I became a student of humanity.

There was once I looked for the sweet scent of cherry blossoms through all aspects of life.

Another all I could feel was the numbness that struck deep into my very heart.

I am everyone and I am no one. But this truth extends to us all.

We all will meet, and find others we can connect with. That we feel or think the same.

We will also meet those who do not understand.

I felt regret when I shouldn't.

Have I gone against life itself? Do I hide away from the world?

Most times I simply took a moment or a season for myself to heal the wounds that comes from a sensitive heart.

I stitch myself up. Soak my skin in tears while I numb the pain in whiskey and cigarettes.

I have severed them from my life though I miss them all. But how could we progress when the wounds are still there to remind us. How can I help those around me when my own self is hanging on?

I walk the banks of the river under the Spanish moss, remembering the children of the night.

Lost souls, vampires , all those who have come face to face with oblivion and darkness of the conditioning.

I have watched the marionettes and jesters playing for the amusement of the crown.

I have watched those who lust for revolution

I have seen those who shackle themselves with chains of sorrow

Time is three dimensional

We go forward and we go back as we all watch the events of the world and our lives within the depths of our mind.

Is there a light at the end of the tunnel, Is wind a trick on the senses.

Does the magic of life still exists when life is not present?

Desires will mold

Senses will deceive

Our spirit remains the same within us all.

Time slows to a crawl as the sad the gentleman walks slowly amidst the rush of life.

Drag your soft fingertips across the pathways of energy created by our spirits.

My head is drowning in riddles only I can solve.

Riddles that lead to truth. Truth that leads to riddles.

Can a kiss mend all things?

Or can it bring empires to their knees?

As mysterious as the tarot itself.

Why does it seem logic can fail when in the face of our desires and emotions?

Are the brain and heart not parts of the same object?

Split an apple in two then ask yourself which side is more the apple?

Find your image in the validations of others

then carve your crucifixes into your skin when you hope no one sees

Silent tears and an empty bottle and all for what?

To numb yourself from being human

To lash yourself by rod and reed because you experience another facet of life.

Our pain becomes our love, Our misery defines our bodies

Our maelstrom slowly separates our senses

Poison courses through our hearts and minds

Tell yourself the universe is pain

Convince yourself your not worthy of what you want.

And you become the sabotage you've desired.

Dress yourself in myths of who you are

Only to never show truth or declare it upon the rooftops of the world

We walk slowly through the seasons of time.

All of us walk these paths at one time or another

Past present and future become one in the same

Lessons learned become battle scars

Memories become our savior and our own damnation

Fragments of time become our salvation

While others cut us to the quick .

This is the seasons of time.

These are the riddles within the melancholy gentleman

This is the maelstrom within the depths of mind.

Hate Defined

Hate Defined

by: John Sills

It burns, it bites, it boils the seas,

It churns and destroys for all the world to see

It is rancid and vile it is the cancer within me

No pretty words or flowers can remedy

It begins with a twitch

Like fire on the wound, or ripping the stitch

It swells into chaos and discord

until you can't remember what your fighting for

All you see is Rage, whilst you rattle in your cage

Your hear feels like its on fire

Without love or desire

A charred remain

within the brain

lies a desolate flame

Sundered and put to shame

Ask me now why it binds

It is one of the many deaths of the mind

Its fires will bring ruin to the verse

And upon your heart a plague and a curse

It will choke the life right out of you

Until there is nothing left to do.

Words become razor blades

Goodness withers and fades.

Intention becomes Malice

and within you the seeds of the infernal palace

No pretty words could excuse

When hate calls up on you

Love Defined

Each soul urns for loving arms

Yet by the soul love is redefined

Some bliss can be found within a kiss

Others within a deity

Some by a coin kept within their purse

Others still define love from memories

Yet all long for the understanding

That comes from others hearts

Acceptance with unlimited standing

We breath we move we see alike

It is within our hearts we differ like day and night

Passion blossoms from love

Yet love cannot survive the smoke and fire

Or the Thunder from above

Unless matched equal with others desire

Fools who play the game

shall scorn and perish

If they do not beseech others different and the same.

Yes each soul urns for loving arms

Yet by the soul is love redefined

But by mine

I define a love beyond space and time